some jokes....

[suede]

this thread just makes my day....every day

[Nowhereman]

A woman answered the knock at her door and found a destitute man. He wanted to earn money by doing odd jobs, so she asked, "Can you paint?" "Yes," he said, "I'm a pretty good painter." "Well, there's a gallon of green paint and a brush out back, and a porch that needs repainting. Be very careful. When you're done, I'll look it over and pay you what it's worth." It wasn't more than an hour before he knocked again. "All finished!", he reported with a smile. "Did you do a good job?" she asked. "Yes, but lady, there's one thing I'd like to point out to you," hesaid, "That's not a Porsche back there -- it's a Mercedes!"

[Nowhereman]

From the Letterman Show top ten list "New Ford Slogans "(Ford had to recall millions of cars because the ignitions could spontaneously start afire) 10. Where's there's smoke, there's a Ford 9. Have you driven a Ford to the fire station lately 8. Forget Chevy - we have the real Blazer 7. Available in regular or extra crispy 6. Now every Bronco is as exciting as O.J.'s 5. Ford, the unabomber of the highways 4. Quality is job 1; putting out the fire is job 2 3. Like a rock -- of hot, molten lava 2. Aren't you tired of cops who stop you for speeding and ask " where's the fire ? " 1. Click..Vroom..kaboom !

[blackSS01]

If a tree falls on a woman and there is no one present to hear it, what was the tree doing in the kitchen?

[024mula]

A male student wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he gets a part-time job down at the morgue after class so he can practice a little.
He uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls the cork out jumps back when music suddenly starts playing!
"...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."
The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the doctor and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, ".
"... On the road again .. . "
The doctor is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says.
"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the student asked.
"Are you kidding?" says the doctor. "Any asshole can sing country music!"

[big hammer]

If a tree falls on a woman and there is no one present to hear it, what was the tree doing in the kitchen?

bwhahaha!

[0rion]

couple more gene tracy..... NWS for language

[CJREX]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts
and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several
of the nuts dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you,
one for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just
around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and
the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When
the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you,
one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been telling' me the truth. Let's see if
we can see the Lord...?

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get
those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the
bike passed him.

[024mula]

A cannibal father and son went hunting. Deep in the jungle, they hid beside a trail. Soon, a little old man walked by. The son whispered, "Dad! There's one. Let's get him!"
"No," said his father. "Not enough meat. We wait."
Later, a fat man came along. "Dad! He's huge. Let's get him!"
"No," his father said. "We'd all have heart attacks from all the fat in him. We wait."
Hour later, an absolutely gorgeous woman approached.
"Dad! There's nothing wrong with that one. Let's eat her."
"No," said his father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?"
"We'll take her home alive and eat your mother!"

[024mula]

A married couple was lying in bed together. Suddenly she felt his hand on her shoulder.
She murmured gently, "Ahh... nice."
His hand moved to her breast.
She grew more excited, "Sweetie, that's wonderful."
His hand moved to her leg.
She moaned, "Honey, don't stop!"
But then he stopped.
"Why did you stop?"
He responded with a click, "Because I found the remote!"



He's expected to be released from the hospital on Monday.

[CJREX]

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault “Clio” and the Ford “Taurus” they have designed the “Clitaurus.” It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it – let alone turn it on – even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it, though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning. Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can’t get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel and the curb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that maybe the paint just makes it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one and replace it every few years.

[Zapper2003]

That is totally getting posted on my facebook wall right now.

[024mula]

A few years back, in a small Texas town, the local madam also operated the local telephone service.
When the police finally arrested her, they found her book of "talent." Each police officer was then assigned to investigate some "girls" from her book.
After a week, the Chief summoned each cop to report his findings.
"Detective Smith, what did you learn about the hookers on your list?"
"Chief, I'm sorry, but I need to disqualify myself," said Smith. "One of the women I interviewed is eighty-four years old and so charming that I have fallen in love with her."
"Dammit, boy!" shouted the Chief. "I'm surprised at you. You've been a cop for 25 years and here you go, falling for the oldest trick in the book!"

[024mula]

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
"She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
"That's nothing," said the second doctor. "Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.
"Oh my God!", said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

[024mula]

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room when he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
With that, his wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

[024mula]

This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y.
Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men's room, this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal. To his amazement, he notices that this man, too, has the letters W-Y tattooed on his penis.
"Excuse me," he says, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?"
"No way, mon, I work for the Tourist Board. Mine reads, 'Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day'."

[024mula]

A young man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimp, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the train window.
After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."
"Listen, love," the young man replied, "It's got nothing to do with you. I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He then carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimp. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.
The old woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.
After a while, he sat back up and said to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"
"It's got nothing to do with you," replied the old woman. "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."
At that, the young man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window.
The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.
The young man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined $200 for that!"
To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers.

[024mula]

Jack had a blind date with Jill to the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself attracted to her more and more.
After some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, Jill, do you object to making love?"
"That is something I have never done before," replied Jill.
"Never made love? You mean you're a virgin?" Jack was amazed.
"No, silly," she giggled. "Never objected

[Lunatikgixxer]

This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y.
Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men's room, this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal. To his amazement, he notices that this man, too, has the letters W-Y tattooed on his penis.
"Excuse me," he says, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?"
"No way, mon, I work for the Tourist Board. Mine reads, 'Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day'."

lol this one is funny

[cuervo25_1]

Are you a Democrat, Conservative, or Redneck?

Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Scroll down.....

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Conservative's Answer:

BANG!

Redneck's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.....

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"
Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"
Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!"